Diary Entry #15
I got up while it was still dark troubled by disturbing thoughts and images. I had left the meditation for a few days over Christmas because I was pre-occupied with getting stuff done at work. Plus many hangovers.
I put on some smaller lights and put the gas fire on. The lights in the early dark always reminded me of when as a child I found Christmas exciting.
Now the memories tend to be laced with sorrow and that is lost now. I settled to my winter meditation spot in the back porch. I was warm enough and had plenty of layers on plus a cover. I have taken to putting a towel over my head when there is no hat to hand. I know, pretty eccentric but it actually works better than a hat.
The wind had a real power to it today, like a massive car engine that had only a little juice on the accelerator. I was torn between listening to the horizons of my hearing and my breathing. The horizons where very much patterned by the wind today. I love to listen to it. I ended up listening to the wind initially then returned to my breathing.
Living in Shadow
A byproduct of the meditation no doubt, it was odd how I noticed the pain in my mind rather than just feeling it. It was like a wound that just keeps being opened and for a moment I felt it detach from ‘me’, almost like a physical thing. Why does this have to be so ? I came the realisation that much of my state during the day is spent in shadow, or tormented with images of the past. How can I stop this ? Do I want to ?
I kept returning to my breathing and it was a relief when the first bird began to sing. Blackbird maybe, I find it hard to tell their songs seem so abstract to me. I would make be a rubbish onithologist.
Next up : New Year’s Hush and Chill