#12 The Ghost of Christmas Past and Living in Shadow

Diary Entry #12 – Ghost of Christmas

I got up while it was still dark troubled by disturbing thoughts and images. I had left the meditation for a few days over Christmas because I was pre-occupied with getting stuff done at work. Plus many hangovers.

I put on some smaller lights and put the gas fire on. The lights in the early dark always reminded me of when as a child I found Christmas exciting.

Living in Shadow Ghost of Christmas Passed
Ghost of Christmas Passed from ‘A Christmas Carol’ by Charles Dickens.

Now the memories tend to be laced with sorrow and that is lost now. I settled to my winter meditation spot in the back porch. I was warm enough and had plenty of layers on plus a cover. I have taken to putting a towel over my head when there is no hat to hand. I know, pretty eccentric but it actually works better than a hat.

The Horizons

The wind had a real power to it today, like a massive car engine that had only a little juice on the accelerator. I was torn between listening to the horizons of my hearing and my breathing. The horizons where very much patterned by the wind today. I love to listen to it. I ended up listening to the wind initially then returned to my breathing.

Living in Shadow

A byproduct of the meditation no doubt, it was odd how I noticed the pain in my mind rather than just feeling it. It was like a wound that just keeps being opened and for a moment I felt it detach from ‘me’, almost like a physical thing. Why does this have to be so ? I came the realisation that much of my state during the day is spent in shadow, or tormented with images of the past. How can I stop this ? Do I want to ?

I kept returning to my breathing and it was a relief when the first bird began to sing. Blackbird maybe, I find it hard to tell their songs seem so abstract to me. I would make be a rubbish ornithologist.

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