Diary Entry #2
I got up in the dark, around 6am as usual. Got tea and orange juice and settled into my favourite spot on the inner front porch doorstep. The street is almost deserted at this time and no one bothers me. I suppose living in this personally distanced area has its advantages. Almost no one speaks to you and almost no one is friendly or unfriendly. If you speak to anyone on the street there is a sense that it is not really acceptable, so everyone is locked into their own bubbles ; good and bad.
Well the street is my own as I settle to my meditation. I only do it on days off because when I am going to work on my project I am running around trying to get out for 7am to miss the traffic.
I am often on my step with a thin pillow until the kids start passing then I pack in. It was still dark and I felt rather restless. The rain was gradually gaining power. I think I have moderate Tourettes which I have mostly got under control with mindfulness and self awareness but today was different. A random and incoherent word shot out under my breathe. I reflected if this almost involuntary outburst is a kind of thought stopping process. I don’t want to suppress thoughts in my meditation I want them to emerge like bubbles and float past me….back to my breath.
Thoughts were clamouring today and I kept returning to my breathe. I slipped briefly to the edge of a lucid dream; an image of a leaning tree. The day before I had been to my orchard collecting cider apples, there is a badly placed young tree I am thinking of transplanting. I became aware of a pain in my finger that was a thorn or a sting. Not sure if it is out. I returned to my breath, my breath my breathe my breath.
Thoughts of what I wanted to do today. There is a dead mouse somewhere in the pantry got to find it….breath. Cook Dhall…breathe. Press apples….breath. A less clear vision…..
Often it seems like nothing has happened and two hours go by like minutes. Memories of a friend in Cranfield I did a masters with, arr his thesis didn’t bear any positive result and his professors asserted that a negative result is still a valid result. He gave up. Why did that thought emerge ? Because my meditation is feeling like nothing but just the act of doing it is something maybe.
I think I am feeling some detachment from the mechanisms of thought, or the ‘crazy monkey’ if you like.
I was unsettled today as I heard the first bird sing and I thought about my yoga practice of the past when I learnt to sort my back and touch my toes. The key was not to have expectations of what you want to achieve and just stretch into the moment as it was.
This is a personal blog account of my meditation practice usually done time permitting just after the meditation. I have an interest in writing, meditating and web development so it seems reasonable for me to put it out like this. I don’t follow any religion but am spiritually oriented.
The Monkey mind is not just in my head it is in yours too check out this useful clip.
All rights reserved to Eric Fisher Msc Bsc (hons), The Villages Meditation Group.