Diary Entry #6.
Today I did not feel like doing it just wanted to crack on with my day off. I had a lot of things I needed to do, but by the end of my meditation I didn’t want to leave.
I had got well wrapped and felt fine, a little sad which I am resolute in not indulging during the session. It was still rather dark, in the ‘gloaming’ period before the sun breaks through. There was a lively wind as I settled and began.
My engine seemed to be in over drive today opening memories I had forgotten but were appropriate to my day. It presented me with ideas, revelations and areas that needed more thought all neatly packaged for my personal consumption. ‘Flying Monkeys‘ as I had described in a previous entry. I let it run its course for a few minutes whilst becoming increasingly aware that to me my engine had become like a benign pet that runs around on the fringes of my consciousness. I understand that some meditators see ‘the engine’ in a more confrontational way. For me I was just taking my brain for a walk. I brought myself back to my breathing in timely fashion.
I tried to become aware of what was happening around me, a dripping tap behind me, the sound leaves being blown by the wind, a susserus I liked to call it, there I was thinking again. Do I listen to nature or become aware of my breathing. Do both at once. Still thinking. Do both. A memory unlocked, hopeless today. I remembered when I was rather young and used to try and cover up my hangover I used to lie down somewhere outside. It was a luxury in between the head pain and puking to just listen to nature when if I was well I would be off doing something else. It was a kind a meditation I understand now.
A Pentacle Revisited
I kept returning to my breath today much more than usual. Now there was something else interesting to distract me. In childhood and adolescence I had read a very lot of books on occultism. Most were really crap which I came to understand but I had began sifting for good ones. I came across the notion of a pentacle as used in the Wiccan tradition for instance. Take a look at my cover if it is unfamiliar. Its point was related to balancing forces and transcending. The four metaphysical elements, I had discussed them in my recent book. But the last point of the pentacle, that was ‘ether’.
Now completely distracted I began reflecting upon how all this related to meditation how each of the different forces in my psyche I had balanced without my making any intentional reference to a pentacle. I had my cup of tea – that was water. Could do this later. I stopped myself and returned to my breathing.
I realised that if I followed the sound of the rolling leaves I couldn’t help but be in the moment, right ? Yes unless I was dreaming the leaves I suppose then I realised I was already watching the leaves but with my eyes closed. I hadn’t realised. Every flurry brought something I may have seen, I had been completely unaware of this rather like a stutter I never knew I had.